If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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