Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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