some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
