is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
