this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
