Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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