i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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