Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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