all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
