why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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