My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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