I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
