Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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