now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
