4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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