Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED