Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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