This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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