I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
