Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I did not marry a roomba.
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