I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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