My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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