He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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