a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
