Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
