Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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