sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
