Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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