Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
