just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
