I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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