I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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