You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
