yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
