she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
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I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
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and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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