the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
