So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
