my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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