watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
