Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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