Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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