The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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