We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
wanna go halves on a baby?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
