you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
