She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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