he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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