you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
