He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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