You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade