just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
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I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
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We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal