Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.