I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You just made me feel so damn special
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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