That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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