omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
