Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
